That Condor Moment...

[Gizmo]

eeerr....whats a table knife?   

I believe you chaps use them to dig up fishing bait.

When are we going to get to shoot at you again Buzz 

[=CFC=Buzzsaw]

Good question Buddy!

I want to join you guys so bad it hurts, I really miss it!

computer probs, funds and time.

[=CfC=Bounder]

Now that we know the important item.....the table knife.......here are the flying instructions to read before you get into the Aircoach by clicking on the link below:-

1) Take left or right seat.......just for Ted as you are left handed....we will allow you to sit in God's seat on the left.
2) Stick....the thing on the left/right with just one red button....don't press it. Pull to make houses smaller....push to make them bigger. There is nothing where the yoke normally appears apart from a retractable lunch tray and two "grunt" foot rests for pile sufferers.
3) Rudder pedals....ignore them as they are not needed except for a  crosswind. Brakes are Saitek/CH compatible on pedals
4) Nose-wheel steering....lever thing near window.
5) Throttles (they are called thrust levers!)....leave the darn things in the middle detent and don't touch them until "Retard" call.
6) Flap lever ....lever on the pedestal that says.....you guessed it "Flaps".
7) Gear lever....right forward panel and has arrows pointing up or down (complicated!). In case you cannot read....it has a wheel on the end of the lever!
To fly....point nose in the direction you want to go (in-flight map has all icons switched "on" and you are represented in the middle of the map.
9) To land, point at runway and place flap lever to middle detent. If the wings are still there, grab the gear lever (once again shaped like a wheel) and select it.....you guessed "down". When the runway markings are visible, place the flap lever to "landing flap".
10) Flare when the man calls "20" and pull the thrust levers to the fully retarded position when the man says "Retard".
11) Use Saitek/CH/Aircoach brake pedals to stop.

Now get into the darn thing and don't touch anything else:-

http://www.gillesvidal.com/blogpano/cockpit1.htm

Retire to Fifi's and boast about it.

Bounder

PS  Next.....guide to the  breast implant surgery simulator.

[=CfC=Woof]

Hey Bounder, where's the bloody needle, ball and airspeed? 

[=CFC=Buzzsaw]

I found the balls Woof,  but boy do those old style instruments look out of place in a lunar lander!

I'm trying to figure out what those levers are under the side windows Bounder.

are they for turbulance? and if so, do you here a whooosshh?   

[=CfC=Bounder]

Woof....turn and slip no longer exist ....but if you look at the Horizon display, you will see a "o" at the bottom. This is radio altitude...but if you lose an engine you get a sort of slip indicator instead. It does not really show slip, but the optimum position of rudder input with about 2-degrees of bank into the live engines to get the best rate of climb with an engine out....things have moved on!

Buz....the half wheel thing to the left/right of the stick is the nose-wheel steering. Above that is a huge lever to open the DV window. This is the usual escape route if the guy behind you has his pants on fire. Unfortunately, like many aircraft with this system, you lose your manhood on the pitot tubes on the way down to the tarmac! However, BD tells me that Matron will fix that for any CH chaps that arrive in the surgery with a high pitched voice!

Bounder

[5./JG27Farber]

So... its harder than IL-2 and there are exam's AND you could lose your genitals?!!?  No thanks...

[CFC_Conky]

I couldn't help noticing the placard in center of the First Officers panel:

[=CfC=Woof]

We had stickers on the FE's panel that simply said: DFWI!

[=CfC=Bounder]

This has been confirmed on the Net in a "Times of India" publication dated 13th. March 2011.

Don't get any ideas chaps......the IL-2 licence won't wash it seems!

See here:-

-----------------------------------
By Rick Westhead South Asia Bureau
NEW DELHIâ€"For more than a decade on at least 6,500 flights, Air India captain J. K. Verma welcomed passengers aboard and invited them to sit back and relax as he flew them to destinations across this expansive and fast-growing nation.

This week, Verma, who has flown for Air India since 1989, was exposed as a fraudster who obtained his job with India’s national carrier thanks to a forged commercial pilot’s licence that police say he bought for about $26,000.

But what’s even more shocking and alarming than Verma’s prolonged scam is that he may not be the only fraudster at the controls of a jumbo jet.

Police have arrested three other fake commercial pilots in recent weeks, and are on the hunt for a fifth.

There may be many more. Authorities say they are combing through the records of 4,000 pilots employed by airlines here.

The scandal kicked off when Captain Parminder Kaur Gulati damaged the nose wheel of an Airbus A-320 while landing on Jan. 11 in Goa, India.

An investigation revealed Gulati, a 38-year-old pilot with a no-frills airline called Indigo, had repeatedly landed in that manner, but her actions hadn’t been disclosed to airline regulators.

Following the investigation, it was discovered that Gulati’s papers were forged.

Police have also accused at least three Jet Airways pilots and two SpiceJet pilots using fraudulent documents to secure a commercial pilot’s licence.

The fake pilots scam is the latest bit of sour news to drag down India’s surging but turbulent aviation industry, and it underscores the growing pains of a country that’s struggling to keep pace with demand for new airline routes even as it grapples with pressing problems like child malnutrition and the lack of proper sanitation.

The number of domestic air passengers in India has increased three-fold over the past five years to 50 million in 2010, industry analysts say. Airlines, which are operating on knife-thin margins, are struggling to ensure safety regulations are met.

Dilip Cherian, an official with Perfect Relations, a management consulting firm in New Delhi whose clients have included Jet Airways and Air India, called news of the arrests “frightening” and said the scandal’s roots may lie in “lax governance and a market which exploded with growth.”

Cherian said creating an electronically maintained roster of pilot licences and exam results might help to restore public confidence in the airlines.

After an Air India flight last May crashed in southern India, killed 158 people, authorities said the accident was due to pilot error. The Boeing 737 overshot a hilltop runway in Mangalore, one of India’s trickiest airports, on the southwestern coast, and the pilot may not have had enough training.

Many viewed the Air India crash as an isolated incident â€" until Gulati’s arrest sparked a flurry of questions over how qualified pilots here really are.

Following Gulati’s arrest, news channels were abuzz with the sensational disclosure earlier this month that 57 commercial pilots were found last year to have been drunk when they arrived for duty. While none were allowed into the cockpit after failing a breathalyzer, only 11 were fired.

Jet Airlines, a Star Alliance partner of Air Canada, which operates flights from India to Canada through Brussels, had 23 drunken pilots â€" tops among Indian airlines. None of those Jet pilots were fired, according to a statement released by aviation minister Vayalar Ravi.

Air India, which is the only Indian airline to operate a direct non-stop flight to Toronto, discovered six drunken pilots last year. None were fired.

The scandal seems far from over.

Just this week, the case of Arjun Giare has surfaced.

Giare, also a pilot for Air India, reportedly was caught with fake documents related to his pilot’s licence and suspended from flying in 2000 by the U.S. Federal Aviation Authority. But he subsequently returned to India and got another job with the national carrier.
----------------

Happy flying chaps.....are you planning a holiday to India?

Reminds me of an old airline joke:-
Around the old Bombay airport were many slum dwellers. After landing one day…….a venerable old Captain of an undisclosed airline found a chap making piles of manure by the side of the taxiway. There were two piles….a small one and a slightly larger one.
“I say, what are the piles for” asked the Captain.
“Little mountain is Flt engineer Sahib….and bigger one is First Officer”.
“And where is the Captain” said his Lordship.
“Not enough shxx to make Captain Sahib!”

Bounder

[=CfC=Woof]

This might be the appropriate moment to introduce this fine fecking film:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HPyl2tOaKxM&feature=player_embedded